Finding Purpose: Did I Miss Out?

When I saw the look on her face, I knew I had been unkind. I knew the opportunity given was over and I would never have the chance to try again with her.

Finding Purpose: Don't Miss One

She was new to the office. Along with several others who started the same week, during what my boss would call a shit show. Yes, I used a 4 letter word. No, I am not ashamed of using it. I have the tendency to let a word slip; that doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t make me an even less Christian. Several years ago, I stopped trying to live like someone I wasn’t. And using that word, that’s me. That is the 4 letter word I let fly, and often. But that’s another story.

I felt a connection with this woman. She had good morals. She attended church, even though our faiths were not the same. She tried to live a Christ-like life. I have good morals and try to live a good life; it has been four years since I’ve attended church. But that’s another story.

I prayed for someone good. Before she came to the office, I had prayed for good people to come in; non-toxic people. I lived through such toxicity in the early days of my job; I began looking for a new one, one week after starting. Thankfully, after one month, the toxicity left. Of the group of women who started that day, this one precious woman, and another, were the answer to my prayers. This one, she fit the prayer request to a “T”, or so I thought.

While I experienced a more violent toxicity before the new group of women came in. There was a new toxicity that came with this woman, Judgementalness. Judging others for their actions and how a business is operated brings a different toxicity. Whispering with individuals to get them on your side regarding a trivial matter is wrong. Not all business owners show up at the office every day. They have the right. They are the owner, after all.

Never forget, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them”

But I let her acts of judging and too friendly disposition push me away. I had snippy moments with her when she would need help or ask a question. Yes, her supervisor could have helped her, but she was drawn to me for a reason.

While I don’t know the reason for being drawn to me. During those moments, I could have been a better person. I should have remembered what I went through the first few weeks when I started my job. I worked in an extremely toxic environment that even the owners knew something had to be done.

Now, at work, I work. My personal life stays at the door when I go in. I’m not there to make friends. I will be friendly, but I will not be your friend. I won’t share what is going in my personal life. I want my personal life and my work life separate. I don’t want the two worlds to collide. When I leave work, I leave my work at the door.

When I was a teacher, both of my worlds collided every single year. When I think back on all those years, I can’t help but feel regret. I love knowing when I walk in the house each night; I don’t have to worry about work; because my work life is at work.

The day when the woman came to clean out her office upon resigning her position because of a  change in her life, I knew it was over. There was a moment of relief. The relief in knowing I would not be the one she went to when she should have been going to her supervisor. Relief in knowing I would not have to hear the whispers regarding music, the way someone dressed, and the language spoken by another. But there was also an enormous amount of guilt in my heart and mind.

That morning, all I could do was listen. My heart broke at her words. I couldn’t say anything other than “we’re going to miss you”. A flat statement that had no true feeling other than guilt.

I don’t know why we came into each other’s life; I’m sure there was a purpose. Now that I look back on it, I pray the purpose was for me to learn a lesson and I didn’t miss an opportunity to share a true love and kindness.